I'm Back!!

Ok so I know that I haven't posted in a while and that like no one is on this anymore but I'm gonna change that! Blogger and I am back!

I'm done with guys

Sweet. Loving. Cute......Stupid. Selfish. Jerks. Players.........

Man I hate stupid guys. You hang out with them and start to like them but for what? They pretend to like you for a while and then leave without saying goodbye if they dont get what they want.

My love life lately has been at an all-time low and I can honestly say that I dont really care anymore. I hate getting hurt so Im just going to stop putting myself in the postion where I am most vulnerable. I can live without having a boyfriend, right?

Who am I kidding there is no way to get guys out of my life. I'm just the kinda girl that guys like to play with and I hate it. Why cant there be a sweet guy who actually likes me for who I am out there? I'm sick of players and want someone who has meaning behind what they say.

Does that even make sense? Well I definitely cant live with guys, but I could never survive without them.

Ahhhhhh!!!

Ok so I know I haven't written in forever but I am so frustrated.

So this weekend, we had a tournament. At the tournament, we won our first game. Not only was it the first game of the tournament but it was our first win ever. Cool right? Anyway, then we got beat by Crush. Man that team is so stupid! We shoulda beat the s*%t out of them, but no. Our team from the morning was gone. Vanished. Amscray. We showed up and were a team that our coaches were embarrassed to be on. It sucks so bad. We were missing ground balls, pop flies, and catches. I'm not saying that I did better than everyone because I didn't. I let balls by me, and I hit pretty crappy besides the one hit that ended up being a double.

Still, we should've been able to pick ourselves up the next game and we couldn't. We played Quinn's Nevada Lightning Team and got beat. A lot of it I am putting on myself though. I was behind the plate and should've been calming everyone down and I didn't. If anyone on Storm is reading this, I'm sorry. Beside that, the ending score was like 17 to zip. Sucks.

Then, ending our run, we played Crush again. The first inning was amazing. Three up, three down, and we got hits. Then it went down hill. They took advantage of our faults and beat us. There's nothing more to be said.

After everything, my coach made us run. I'm not talking about just a jog, I'm talking about sprints. The whole time he was yelling at us and screaming his guts out. Barely anyone could breathe. It didn't help at all.

I don't think it was completely fair to make us all run that much. Some would've been ok but not that much. At the end, I couldn't breathe at all and I'm in pretty good shape. It sucks. I need to go blow off some steam.....

Relief

Everything in my life has been running on a mountain lately but right now, its hit a smooth path. I am so relieved that I got into IB. Thats over and done with. No more stressing over high school. Whoo-hoo!

Next, my grades are good (not that they ever aren't). I'm not really even trying and I am exceeding.

Also, most of my friend troubles are gone. I am getting along with people because I am bottling it up again. I guess if thats what it takes then i'm committed to it. I hate fighting with people and there are a lot of girls I actually want to fight right now. This has never happened until late this year. What's going on? Is this happening because I am bottling thing up? O well. I can behave myself and not get into fights. I mean who could take me? Lol.

..... But with relief, there's more stress. Lately my stresses have been about softball. I am competing for a catchers postion and I wont let it go! Plus, they are dividing us into teams on Tuesday and I am afraid that I am gonna be on the bad team. GOD! I hate having to wait. It's killing me. And on top of it all, I killed my knee. It doesnt hurt anymore but my dad wont let me go to my optional practice tomorrow. Now how am I going to get that position??????????

Goose Egg

So there I was, stepping out of line to take my turn at catching a pop-fly at my softball practice. I bent my knees and rocked side to side on the balls of my feet. Ready.
The ball cracked off my coach's bat and sailed through the air. I turned on my heels and ran to the right attempting to catch the ball over my shoulder. What a dumb move. As the ball neared my mitt, I realized that I wasn't going to be able to snag it out of the air but it was too close for me to react.
BAM! The ball came and hit me right under my left eye on my cheek bone. It stung but my eyes only teared up as the other girls on my team rushed over to check if I was ok. They were more scared than I was.
One girl touched where I had been and said," Holy s@*t! You can see the laces of the ball on your face." I must have been hit pretty hard but I didn't care. I had been hit harder before and I really don't want to wear one of those girly clear masks to protect my face. They are stupid and you cannot see out of them. Plus part of the game is getting hurt. If that means having the red goose egg on my cheek then I guess it's worth it.

Music

Everywhere you go it follows you. Can you ever get away from it? There's always the beat of your shoes on the ground or the rush of the wind. Music is everywhere.

It is the beat by which my life lives. My shoes tap, my heart beats, my breath pants. It's all around us. A universe without music is like a universe without life. We would be plain, and boring. For there not to be music, there would have to be no sound at all. Could you imagine?

Everyday I come home and listen to my tunes. It winds me down and lets me think. Could you live without music? Even a simple beat like that of your heart? I think people would go crazy without it. We would die and be complicated. I need music... Do you?

My new Haircut

Haircut

So yesterday, my dad told me he was gonna take me this weekend to get my hair cut. I am trying to decide what to do with it. On one hand, I want to cut it really short (like at my chin) and layer it and cut my bangs. I think it is so cute that way. Plus, it's different and if I dont like it, it'll always grow back. When it's short, it takes me 15 minutes less to do so I can sleep in. This is my hair now:

On the other hand, I like it long and just want to trim it. I think it looks pretty and I like the long pony tails. But, it's a hassel in the mornings. Plus, summer is coming and I want it short for this hot season.

Curly

Ok so in my last post, I said I was going to curl my hair..... but I didn't. Sorry everyone. I just straightened my hair and it looked amazing. I didn't want to ruin it. Maybe I'll try again some other time.

Delay....

Whoo-Hoo! Today is a two hour delay. Thank you snow! But what do you know? I can't sleep hahaha. Man! On delays, I always plan to sleep in but I never can. Now I am going to be all tired and stuff today at school :( O well. At least I have time to work on my homework.

Oh, and I am going to curl my hair today for like the first time ever! I hope it turns out good but idk... haha. I will put a picture of it on my next post. I can never do it though because I don't have enough time to experiment...

Anyway, I can't think of-- WAIT! I forgot! Today is a regular scheduled day. No testing today so do your homework if you are reading this.

Today should be a good day (at least I hope). I'll blog again soon :) Bi for now.

Drifting

After reading my friend Quinn's blog, I have a few things to say about the people who are making a big deal over losing friends. This is kinda mean so no one has to read it.

Ok so for one, these certain people need to suck it up. Someone isn't really a true friend if they call you a bitch behind your back or if you fight with them every day. It's not worth it to cry over them. Friend will always come and go.

Second, most of these people don't know what true heartbreak is. God! Sometimes it just pisses me off. I bet mostly everyone who complains about this stuff didn't have to move all the way across the state they are living in and leave all their friends behind. Can you even think of that? Everyone is making a big deal about the IB program is going to ruin friendships, but it's not. We still live by each other and can still hang out. When I moved from where I was born, I left everyone. My friends and I couldn't even hang anymore because I was all the way upstate. Not to mention, I am not friends with most of them anymore. I cried and still cry over losing those people because I know we would still be friends today.

Third, people think their lives suck. Oh get over yourself. Are your parents divorced? Did you have to leave all your childhood friends behind never to see them again? Did your Uncle and Great Grandma just die? Do your parents talk s#*t about each other to your face? No, I didnt think so. Your lives don't suck. Mine doesn't either but sometimes I just hate everything and everybody. I sometimes wish that I stayed where I used to live. Maybe my parents would still be together. Maybe there wouldn't be so much drama. Maybe, I would be happier....

No, moving was a part of my life and it has helped to shape who I am. No one here in the town I live in now, or anywhere for that matter, knows who I really am and what happens in my life. I bottle it up so no one feels sorry for me. I hate being pitied most of the time. No one knows what hurt I have seen or been through. You cant even see it in my eyes because I don't let it show.

I never want anyone to pity me because I don't want people to think I am one of those people who makes a big deal over everything and who thinks that their life is terrible. I have learned to put everyone else before me. Everyday, I shield my emotions with a mask so I am the happy person everyone knows even when I want to break out and cry.

Sure, it's not good always to bottle it up but that's the way I am...... My feeling are my own and I keep them to myself. My life sure isn't perfect but I keep riding on through like more people should do.

My advice is to think more about others and less about yourselves. You can do more good that way and you don't have to bring people down with your bad attitudes. Think, your life doesn't suck.

Stress

You can't escape it. It's like the monster under your bed; when you finally think it's gone, it creep out from under your bed and scares you again.

I absolutely hate being stressed. I get moody and I am mean to my friends. Lately, I have been stressed a lot. I have had my IB application to finish, friend problems, volleyball tryouts, softball, homework, tests, and my mom's boyfriend. There's too much going on! My saneness balloon is going to pop. I just want to grab my hair and pull it out but the roots. I can't take it anymore! This isn't healthy. On top of it all, I think I am getting sick, again. What am I going to do?

Almost everyday this week, I have cried after school. I think I am losing it because stress usually doesn't do this to me. I need time to relax. Can't vacation come any sooner?

God, school is tearing me up. We have like everything going on at once and I have to spend all of my extra time working on everything. I need to get good grades this year but it's been much harder. I actually retake tests this year. I know it's crazy.

Because of school, I've had friendship problems. I haven't been able to talk or hang with anyone and people are getting frustrated with me. I haven't been myself lately either. I can't think straight and I have said some things that were wrong. To everyone who I have been mean to lately, I am sorry. I am not putting other people first like I usually do and I will stop being moody.

Stress needs to exist though. If we didn't have stress, we wouldn't have peacefullness right?

Her New Man....

I should be happy, right? Even though he isn't my dad, I should be happy. My mom is happier that I have seen her in a long time and I love seeing her happy, but... I guess I am not as thrilled as I should be...


A couple months ago, I was reading in bed and I heard my mom on the phone the next room over. She was laughing and giggling and then... I heard the word date. I couldn't believe it; my mom said she would tell me if she ever went on a date. I needed to know for myself so the next morning, I asked her.
She was all weird about it and told me that she wasn't going on one. I knew the truth, I had heard it through my wall.
A couple weeks later, she told us about him. My face showed I was cool with it all but on the inside, my heart was screaming. We ended up going to dinner with him.
Paul was his name. He was really nice, and funny, and... um... talkative. I liked him but I hated the idea of having to share my mommy.
After all that flew by, I found out that they had been dating for like two months before I had heard about it through the wall. Crazy huh?
Well, now they are in Hawaii and I have no say in it. Sure, she asked me if she could go but what was I going to say? No?



I guess, I have a bittersweet thing going for Paul. This is all new to me so I am still getting used to it. At least my mom is happy.......

Mending

Friendships appear, live, and strain to survive, but what happens when the just give up and break? Most just stay broken, turn into hatred and never stitch themselves up. If people do decide to mend what once was, they usually live to see that the stitches are stronger than what held them together before.

A couple nights ago, an old friend sent me a text. What started as an awkward conversation turned into a time that we took to catch up and thread our needle to start stitching up our friendship. We stayed up until like 9:30 pm (I think...) talking and catching up. I'd missed her and ever since we had not been the best of friends, I felt like there was a piece of me missing and now it has found its way back to me.

I know that we are not completely there yet but I think in a little time we can be back to what we were before our friendship broke.

If you are reading this, you know who you are and I am super happy that we are talking again and I really did miss you.

And to everyone else who might be reading this that I have been in a fight with, I am trying and I hope I can mend our friendship like I have with others. I love you all, even if we are not on the best of terms at the moment and I cherish your friendship.

Happy

Being happy is like an illness. Once you get it, it's hard to get rid of unless something fights it off.

I love this feeling and since it has been rare lately, I was so happy today when I woke up. I don't even know what it was but I guess I just woke up happy. Throughout my day, I have kept up being happy and I made a lot of people smile. I am in a wonderful mood and I love it. I have been singing to the radio, giggling when it's ok to, and smiling all day. Nothing can put a damper on my mood.

Here is a poem I wrote since I am so happy:

Bliss

Loving life so deeply

Should be something everything has

To feel the pings and pops inside

It drives me nuts and shows what I hide

This special feeling never is the same

But when it is time for it to show itself,

Your grief and anguish just fly away.

You know it's there when nothing can bring you down.

So share a smile, a grin or whatever you can spare,

because everything deserves to feel this way.

Abandoning Annie

Annie. My puppy, my happiness, my friend. I love you and I miss you so much. I hope you find a better home. Writing this makes my heart ache and my fingers miss the keys. If I would have tried to speak, my words would come out in sobs. I'm sorry. My beloved Annie.

Yesterday, we had to give our puppy Annie that we had just gotten back to the shelter. It is terrible, I know but we couldn't care for her anymore. Annie had bitten my older dog Sam and drew blood. She had nipped at a few people before too so we were afraid that she would bite them too.

She was also ruining our carpets. My mom just couldn't take it anymore. We had only had Annie for three months and we had to rent a steam cleaner for $50 three times. Plus Annie was getting worse and was determined not to be potty trained. We didn't have the money to replace the carpet.

Still, it was a terrible thing to do. If I would have had it my way, we would have kept her and kept trying, but my mom was sick of it. We abandoned her even if my mom doesn't see it that way. We are no better than the family who left her in the first place. I cry my eyes out every time I think about her and I just couldn't see her go. I lost a part of my family and myself like so many times before and this is one that cannot be replaced. I loved Annie and I still do now so I hope she finds a better home than she had with us.

With all my heart, I miss you Annie

Movies and much more...

Has your mom ever not let you hang out with someone just because they didn't know them? Most people I know don't have this problem but my mom is WAY over-protective. I hate it!!! She says that she is just doing her job as a parent but isn't their job to guide us and trust that we will do the right thing? How are we ever going to learn if we can't experiment ourselves?

So here is what happened:
During school, one of my good friends invited me to go to the movies with her and a bunch of other people and I thought it was great. I was going to have so much fun but when I got home and asked my mom, my daydream turned into a nightmare. She told me that she trusted my judgement and all but she didn't like some of the people that this friend hangs out with. I mean, does that really matter? Shouldn't she trust me not to get involved with bad people. She should, but with the fair share of betrayals I have witnessed then I guess she just doesn't want to see me hurt but she needs to back off a little. I need to teach myself and learn my own way or I will keep making mistakes.
Anyway, as a compromise, she said taht my friend could sleepover next week so she could "Get to know her better". Lame but still, at least I get to hang with her....

Over-protective parents SUCK!

Friends

I am so confused...

Lately, I have been hangin out with new people and my old and still friends seem to like it but I know they don't. It seems like they aren't being honest with me since they don't have my full attention pointed on them. I still hang with them as much as I used to but they don't see it that way. I love my friends and want keep them close to my heart but lately, I just can't. You wouldn't believe how many friends have deserted me alone this year and all the heartaches I have been through. I am hesitant about giving up my trust because I can't stand ache that can be a result.

I know the people who will stay with me the rest of this year, but what about after that? High school is a big leap and we may take it holding hands but in the end, some will have to be let go. I hate thinking this way but I know it's going to happen. I want to get close with the good friends I have now but I can't see them torn away from me like so many have been before.

I don't know what to do.....